Culture Shock: Grey is Okay

Do you wear glasses or contact lenses? How old were you when you got your first pair? Can you still picture some of those awesome, eyewear fashions? 

I’ve been wearing specs since I was five-years old. You should have seen some of the styles! Thick, plastic frames. Thin metal ones. I had one pair with Snoopy on each corner. Unfortunately, I can’t find those in my size anymore! 

The thing with glasses — and especially contacts — is that you can become so comfortable looking through them that you forget you’re even wearing them. The same is true with “culture.” We get so used to our culture — the way we do things, the way we see things, the way we feel about things — that we can very easily forget that we are looking through a lens. 

Other people from other cultures are going to see things differently and do things differently. Of course. They are looking through different lenses. 

When that happens, you are gong to be tempted to think that your way is the “right” way and their way is the “wrong” way. That tension may make you uncomfortable. It may cause you to be more stubborn. It may even incite anger. Let those be warning lights on your dashboard. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and what’s prompting it. Later on, talk it over with your team. But, in that moment, when the warning lights start flashing, do everything in your power to withhold judgement. 

Don’t pronounce their way “wrong” and your way “right.” Stop looking at it as black and white. At least in that moment, let it be grey. In fact, let this become your cross-cultural mantra: “It’s okay if it’s grey.” Remind yourself and remind your teammates every time someone is struggling with your host culture. 

Let me give you a few examples to prepare you for the grey that is ahead. 

• RELATIONSHIPS: Certain cultures think friendships can spring up quickly and casually; others believe relationships take much more time and intentionality. Consequently, people in sone culture may seem more outgoing and friendly while people from another culture may seem more reserved and standoffish. So, when it comes to forming friendships and building relationships, “It’s not yeah or nay. It’s okay if it’s grey.”
   
• AUTHORITY: Some cultures have a lot of “distance” between themselves and those in authority. They don’t question or talk back to those with power. That would be considered shameful and dishonoring. Other cultures have less “power distance.” In such a culture, it’s acceptable and even encouraged to critique and challenge your leaders. Those cultures think that’s a good way to improve ideas and processes. So, when it comes to speaking to those in power: “It’s not yeah or nay. It’s okay if it’s grey.”

• CONTROL: A few cultures do all they can to control situations and future outcomes. Others admit they are not in control, so they do very little to prepare for the future since it is ultimately out of their hands. It’s not yeah or nay. It’s okay if it’s grey.  

• COMMUNICATION: Some cultures are very direct and literal. To them, the ideas are most important. On the other hand, some cultures are less direct, leaving a lot unspoken but implied. The relationship (not the ideas) is most important. It’s not yeah or nay. It’s okay if it’s grey.

• TIME. Certain cultures are driven by their watches, their schedules and their “to do” lists. Others are much more casual, laid back and fluid. I know you’ve read this several times already, but read this carefully. When it comes to time: “It’s not yeah or nay. It’s okay if it’s grey.” 

When your driver doesn’t pick you up “on time,” when church doesn’t start at 10am, when the project gets put off until another day, when they aren’t ready to go in “5 minutes” . . .  It’s not yeah or nay. It’s okay if it’s grey.  

When (not if) you encounter any of these cultural differences, you are going to have to be flexible. You are their guests; they are your hosts. Not vice-versa. They are higher on the totem pole than you are. If someone has to take charge, it should not be an outsider. It should be the local leaders. And you should follow their lead. Take a deep breath. Take off your glasses. Say to yourself, “It’s okay if it’s grey.”

Here’s a closing story that captures our cultural differences well. A few South American pastors were talking to a long-term American missionary. They were discussing whether or not short-term teams of Americans were helpful. This missionary had done a good job of adjusting to their culture and building their trust. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have gotten very far in such a delicate conversation. The national leaders would have been polite and honored his relationship. They wouldn’t have told him what he really needed to hear. Thankfully, he had adapted well and built a good rapport, so they gave him some valuable advice. 

“Sure. You can bring a team over. But don’t bring any ‘Coke Missionaries.’ Bring tea drinkers.”

Huh? What’s that supposed to mean? What does it matter what we drink? Think about it. How do you drink a Coke? When do you drink a Coke? How long does it take to drink a Coke? You can drink it anytime. It doesn’t take long at all. You can just grab one and go. You don’t even have to stop what you’re doing. You can keep working or driving or building or going without missing a beat. 

Tea is different though, isn’t it? Tea takes time. Tea isn’t just a drink; it’s an institution. Tea time is an event. You wait for the water to boil. You wait for the tea to steep. You wait for the tea to cool. You sip it slowly. All the while, you take a break from what you were doing. You stop and breathe. (You do not check your phone, update your status or send a quick text, by the way.) You connect with the people around you. You build or deepen relationships. You are present with the people you are with. 

That’s the kind of short-term team our global partners want. Tea Drinkers! People willing to flex to a new culture and learn from new friends. People who don’t always say yeah or nay. People who are okay with grey.